27. SELF-LOVE


I have been procrastinating the writing of this simple blog post for months on end. At first I would say I didn’t prioritize my time, then I thought I wouldn’t know what or how to write it until I was out of excuses and faced with the truth.

I was simply afraid.

You see, I have never written a blog post before.

And I was paralyzed with fear. All kinds of fears, really. But what it ALWAYS boils down to, the fear of not being good enough. Ah... yes! The universal fear that keeps us crippled and stuck. I suddenly realized all I need to do was put in writing what I talk about every single day.

But who am I? And why should you care?

I have been ashamed of my story and held back by it for many years, so much that it got me physically and mentally sick and on the verge of giving it all up. Yes, I had contemplated suicide. Because of food, because of low self esteem and because of sheer stupidity. My name is Angie (Faith) and I want to tell you why self love can save you and the people around you.

Whoever you are and whatever you are dealing with, I guarantee there’s at least one person in your life who loves you and that person is you. Your inner being lives within your body and knows and cares for you and wants you to follow the path of least resistance to everything you have ever wanted.

Now, sometimes you forget that, completely, to the point you don’t believe it to be true. My goal of sharing this story is to remind you that yes, it is!

I grew up in a communist country, in a dysfunctional family, 2 older sisters, alcoholic father and suicidal mother. I was the youngest and always felt I had to save them all. I saw violence and abuse and also learnt loyalty and felt love and affection. I had excellent results in school and when I was going to college my father got sick with cancer. To save him, I started working as a cam girl, that is the virtual version of a prostitute, except it’s legal.

I made a lot of money and had no idea what to do with it. I was 19 and poor in mindset and financially broke, I had no skills or financial education. I was also going to college, I gave up my dream of studying languages and went to a university of economics because I was going to make my father proud. After all I was reminded daily I was his last hope. My oldest sister was 23, pregnant with her daughter and already had a son, my middle sister had been raped at 16 and dealing with her own trauma. My mother had tried to kill herself twice and my sister once, after the rape.

And I was going to save them all.

I sent my dad to a clinic in Germany and he got treatment there. He also ended up dying there and they sent him home after terrible arguments with the authorities and he made it back home right on time for my 21st birthday. It’s also the day we buried him.

And I was going to save the rest of the family and myself.

I became fascinated with personal development and I kept thinking I can cure my sister’s trauma and make my mother feel safe and healthy again and any money I ever made, was for my oldest sister’s family.

And then I met a boy. And we got high and partied all the time and we would fight and scream and party again, for 5 long years.

And I was still going to save everyone!

My mother tried to kill herself the third time.

And then I packed my life in 50 kilos and moved to Dubai where I got a job as a flight attendant. And I was going to save up money and invest in myself so I can, yes, you guessed it, save them all.

I have PCOS and it took developing an eating disorder to finally find out what was going on on the inside. I suffered through 6 years of bingeing, an absolute nightmare that is unfortunately lived by

so many and not talked about enough. I would purge through long and intense exercising or extreme diet pills. I empathize with people who suffer with purging through vomiting. My heart goes out to you, I know how many more horrible consequences it has. I was on medication for bulimia, then added medication for PCOS and antidepressants cause that’s what doctors do.

Why did I get there? Cause I thought I am not worth a damn. I tied in my income producing ability to a skinny body and I thought I didn’t deserve love unless I looked hot. And it took a lot of time to understand it all. And it took unlocking the love I have for myself and getting rid of limiting beliefs to start going in the right direction. It took reading blog posts like this to understand I wasn’t alone and shouldn’t feel ashamed and there is healing for me, there is love for me, there is gratitude! It took remembering I’m the only one I’ve got for the rest of my life and decided to work on the single most important relationship in it, the one with myself.

And from that space of understanding, I began looking for tools and resources to help me make progress.

I found the most advanced superfood nutrition in the world because I was finally open to giving me my best chance. And since then, watching myself treat myself with love and respect, only increased that love, build up self confidence, it increased my self esteem.

I am in the business of transforming people’s lives now because I decided to love myself. And I do it through sharing my story. And people are smiling more and bettering their health and wellness and working towards financial freedom every day. We are a team of unicorns and we share a deep love for all human beings.

Notice it was a decision. Notice that’s all it takes. For you to decide. And once you do, keep remembering you chose you. And you do you boo! Everything else feels eek!

Because you are worth it.

Because you are good enough.

Because you matter.

Because you deserve to live you best life.

And it starts with self love.

And none needed saving.

You are not broken. My family was not broken. And I stopped trying to save anyone, loving myself turned out to be enough.

Angie Faith Negrila

 

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